Bees of bitterness and stings of honesty...

Evaluating me...

2011-10-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

What's going on Lorraine??? Why have I felt the need to cram 3 cookies and 1 candy bar in my mouth? Have you felt stressed lately? YES. What's causing the stress? MONEY. CAR ISSUES THAT HAVE LED TO A NEW TRANSMISSION, BRAKES, AND BATTERY. Is there anything else? YES. I FEEL A BIT LONELY, MY WEIGHT HAS GONE UP, AND I FEEL OUT OF CONTROL AGAIN IN MY EATING.

I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO FAST RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I KEEP EATING FOR COMFORT.

I've decided...

2011-10-07T14:08:00.000-07:00

Focusing on more than a couple things at a time, make me feel overwhelmed and leary of being able to handle it. I'm stronger than what I give myself credit for...but I haven't received the whole revelation of it yet. I keep saying (mentally), "I can't", "It's too hard", "I'm afraid it won't last". I feel the need to start fresh...anew...one step in front of the other. This way, I will learn one thing at a time, and not feel like its an unrealistic goal to achieve it. I've been trying to train myself to do 10 tricks at once, but have only confused my mind even more. God does not operate in haste, and never puts the pressure on us to perform perfectly. WE do that...I have done that. I'm just going to continue to gravitate towards my goal cautiously...one movement at a time. Starting with working out on a regular basis(4x's per week). If it's more than that, I start taking time away from my true priority-my Father, my Lover, my Friend. I keep coming back to the desire of only wanting to think about HIM. Not a man...eating program...or anything else that doesn't matter. On a personal note: God has led me to look up all the scriptures about strength. He says I only have the belief I am strong in my mind, not my heart. And that scripture is the only way to move it there.

Eating in the rain...

2011-10-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

It could very well be that I am eating crap out of being overwhelmed...it could be that I am celebrating my favorite season with a cookie...or possibly craving sugar out of a need to have someone physically touch me. It could be a combo of all three. Whichever one it is, it all boils down to me learning how to manage my stress on a daily basis. So far, my eating is as follows;

6:45AM-1 slice of wheat bread with butter and sugar & coffee(Did not overeat here, very relaxed)

10:00AM-2 cookies the size of a coffee cup base(Was hungry and didn't over eat, but clearly not the best choice to eat)

12:00PM-1/2 of a ham sandwich with 1/2 a bag of chips(Stomach had not growled, but I felt empty. Did not overeat)

2:25PM-1/2 of a ham sandwich with 1/2 a bag of chips, 1 cup of chicken noodle soup, 1 small bag of cheez-itz, 3 mini dark chocolate mounds bars, and 1 small cookie with coffee.(Clearly stressed here...I ate directly after having to pull myself away from a report that I still have to finish. I had a headache from looking at the computer screen hours in a row, and upset that I still was no where near being done.)

Gotta get back to the stinking report now...

Getting the picture...

2011-10-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

I saw a photo of myself taken with my teenage nephew at Chuck E. Cheese the other day, and just about collapsed. Well, actually, I gasped, drew in a second breath, and THEN collapsed! See...in my mind, I looked like Halle Berry, but in reality, I looked like Oprah. It was a very hard pill of truth to swallow. Still...in the midst of the eye-opening, jaw-dropping experience, I knew dieting wasn't the answer. Dieting would only be a spare tire to me...a quick remedy following a blow out, but not a permanent, safe solution. So what is??? This weight is not going to magically peel off on its own you know...so what do I do? How can I be disciplined, if I don't even have the discipline to practice it? How do I stop living according to my flesh, when I have to wear it daily? If there's a sleeping giant inside of me, can somebody please wake him up?

Title change...

2011-10-04T13:04:00.000-07:00

I felt the need to change the title of my blog, being that my focus has once again diverted to me, and not God. If I'm going to be open and nakedly honest, feeling thin makes me feel sexy, which makes me feel like having you know what. I never quite addressed the deep seated issues of inadequecy, fear of failing, or promiscuity that still lurks in the dark corners of my soul. Before I can repaint the exterior of the building, I must first allow God to fill in all of the cracks. Here goes everything...

Time...

2011-09-29T13:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much time to post lately, due to work and what not. So here's where I am today. I've been trying to figure out what step to take next regarding weight loss. I have to be EXTRA careful with my past dieting addiction, because one step in the right direction can lead to a million steps in the wrong. In order for me to find what works best for ME, I am going to have to lay everything out on the line, and see what steps I CAN take in my current situation. If there is one thing I certainly know about God, it's that He is able to meet us EXACTLY where we are. The Holy Spirit keeps saying, "Just give me what you have, and I can use it."

Here are my 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish.

What I CAN do NOW on a single mother budget:

*Start buying more fruit and veggies-Not loads of them, like I usually do and more than half go bad before I feel like eating them. Just start with a bag of grapes and bananas. The Holy Spirit also says I should try buying frozen instead of fresh to it doesn't go to waste.
*Start exercising on a regular basis at least 20 minutes a day, 4 times a week.
*Start drinking more water
*Don't set a goal, just keep focusing on God, not the scale.

Here's my focus for the next 30 days.

I will keep you all posted!

Story of my life...

2011-09-20T21:48:00.000-07:00

I say one thing, and do the COMPLETE OPPOSITE! The past few days have been a downward spiral of free falling through emotional eating. I stepped on the scale last week and had gained 5 pounds, which felt more like fifty. It's amazing how thin you think you are, until you see a photo taken of you that same day. It's as if somebody neatly cut out my head, and pasted it onto the body of a spineless elephant. I'm so disgusted...not only am I unhappy with my size, but even more so, I am unhappy with my follow through on things. I never finish ANYTHING I start. My life is FULL of half written stories, half filled out baby books, half read novels, half committed eating plans...etc. I want to scrap this half sculpted ball of clay and start all over, but I don't know how. And I couldn't do it even if I knew. There's only one person who can fill in the gaps of all the empty spaces lingering inside of me. One person who can work with scraps, to re-build a new temple for His glory. I thought eating right was my answer...NO...JESUS is. Let's start here.

Ouch...

2011-09-17T12:09:00.000-07:00

So I didn't necessarily BITE the sugar bug today, it's more like I sat down and ate breakfast with him. Why do I do this to myself??? I am ashamed to say that I have eaten a total of 7 cookies up until now. What the heck happened??? Let's re-evaluate the situation shall we?

Reasons why I might have felt the urge to eat sugar:

1. I have been eating ALOT lately due to my monthly friend
2. I am craving physical intimacy
3. It has been insanely busy at work lately
4. My teenager is starting to get an attitude
5. My phone hasn't rang in weeks
6. My pants are fitting a bit too snug

Lots of reasons, all have a part to play I'm sure. I clearly have no other option right now, then to say goodbye to my bittersweet friendship with sugar until it can be a healthy, balanced one.

A Declaration of War...

2011-09-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

As an experienced Yo-Yo dieter, single mother of 2, and dark Mexican girl, I can honestly say that losing weight has been one of the hardest things to do. Well...let me rephrase that a bit...losing PERMANENT weight has been one of the hardest things to do. I've tried everything, really. Cabbage soup diet, Atkins, Weight Watchers, HGC shots, diet pills, Slim Fast shakes, juicing...the list rolls out as long as Santa's. Sure, the weight comes off, but keeping it off is a totally different battle! I think one of the main problems with dieting, is that you feel like someone else is telling you how to live your life. You can't eat this or that, or you eat too little or too much of this and that, or you don't eat often enough. It's like adding weights to an already sinking ship! Life is busy enough by itself to manage, without adding time slots you must eat within! I feel as if I've been flyered by every doctor, dietician, weight loss book, and magazine, all promising to have the answer to one of life's greatest questions, "Is it possible to eat a donut and still look like Beyonce?" I've been through an army of strategic battle plans, been hit by a few grenades, and now am dragging my body away from the misinformed wreckage. There has to be a better way...any moment now the chopper will come for me.